Dr Saru-muddy, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Eye
©2002 Chris "Cat Dr." Pagel
26th: Dear diary, my quest for the Ring continues. The Palantir is calling for warm and sunny weather tomorrow. I am encouraged. I am still quite pleased with my Palantir and what I call its "Tele-vision."
The latest batch of Orcs has gone very, very awry. They are far too squirrelly to be of much use, as they spend most of their idle time whacking each other with their swords and being generally insubordinate. I shall send them North to the Shire where they can't do much harm.
The new ballista is ready, not that any would dare attack Orthanc...
27th, noon: Dear Diary, word of the Ring and Sauron's approach has made me abandon Isengard, leaving only a paltry 5 defenders, I hope they at least die quickly, as almost any sizeable party of Good with Gandalf along can overrun them. I curse the Ents.
27th, 1:00pm: Dear Diary, I have never been this cold in my thousand year life. We shall move Orthanc to the Southlands as soon as the Ring is mine. Sacrificed myself to the Dark Elves, as they were as frustrated as I was. Sadly, I came back to life. Word reached me that we have Captured Radagast, but I have had enough breezes for today, and have no need to Break-Wind-lord.
27th, 1:30pm: Dear Diary, I was presented with the soggiest hobbit I've ever met. Bilbo was his name. Didn't have the Ring. None of my forces save 3 more have made it to the rally point in time, yet I must move on.
27th, 2:30pm: Dear Diary, I made it over the Misty Mountains. I cannot feel my head. Word reaches me of the Battle of Isengard, and I am proud of my little band of defenders trouncing such a large force, though Gandalf leading them would have meant certain disaster, and I wonder if the Balrog has taken care of that particular problem. The palantir does not give me any further information than a white triangle saying "Ask again later." There is snow piling up on my staff. I fear I am going insane.
27th, 3:01pm: Dear Diary, captured Gollum. No ring. Captured Gimli, sent him to his "car" whatever Dwarven contraption that is. Together with the youngest, toughest Trolls I have ever encountered, and again, the besodded Dark Elves, we sack Lothlorien. We capture poor Bilbo again. No ring.
27th, 3:10pm, Dear Diary, we spot a hobbit on the roads. Fearing it is Rabid and insane to be so out in the open, we wonder if it is the madness of the Ring, and I send the amazingly energetic Trolls out to get her. Off in the far distance, for only 3 seconds or so, I see another cloaked figure, running. It is gone. I wonder....
27th, 3:15pm, Dear Diary, the captured Hobbit does not have the ring. We release her to freeze. We found that accursed Bombodil and Aragorn lurking by a crossroads. I surge ahead, and realize his KungFu is strong enough to take me. I to rejoin my forces, I attempt to fly...
27th, 3:16pm, Dear Diary, I cannot fly when wet. I am introduced, at a full running leap at the ground, in a most dire and personal way, to what the Dwarves call "Gra' vel." We defeated Aragorn and Bombodil, and in what must be a concussion-induced fit of mercy, decide to not split up Aragorn and Bombodil in the horrid elements. It shall not happen again. My orcs compliment me on what they call a "digger," whatever that means.
27th, 3:20pm, Dear Diary, We spot Sauron. Alone.
27th, 3:21pm: Dear Diary, being Confused and Dazed from my fight with Gra'vel, we conceive to kill Sauron. Sadly, I did not realize everyone but by own orcs would actually fight against me. I am enthralled to Sauron, and we walk. Sauron knows a shortcut to MtDoom.
27th, 3:26pm: Dear Diary, we are crossing the causeway to the C'amp G'rounds next to a small lake, when I, Saruman, spot the becloaked and sneaky figure from before, now hiding behind a tree. Quietly, so as not to spook the prey, I quietly turn to Sauron and ask "Do you know who that is?" He glanced, and replied, "No, let's keep walking." What a pro.
A young Dunlander or Troll, I think, blew our ruse, and yelled that that was the hobbit we needed, the wily and elusive Samwise. A chase ensued. Sauron and I walked ahead, hoping our forces would push the prey up the ravine. We made it to the edge of the ravine, and paused in unison, and silently listened for our running victim.
Some time passed. I told Sauron when he was four seconds away from being "Infinite."
Our forces caught up with us. As a group, we continued on towards Doom for another 10 seconds or so.
27th, 3:35pm: Dear Diary, unbeknownst to me, Samwise was only 3 paces ahead of me. My one last chance for victory was right in front of my face. Amusingly enough, Sauron was surrounded by MY army, and I'm proud to say the forces "aligned" (many being traitors to Sauron) with the White Hand of Saruman were responsible for catching the Ring bearing Hobbit.
As one of my crafty orcs was seconds, (SECONDS!) away from telling me of the Ring's presence, a young Dunlander made the mistake of announcing that the hobbit was "right there." The news struck Sauron and I at the same moment. In one-half stride, I leaped forward, and shouted "GIVE ME THE..." At that point Sauron interjected with a calm, chiding, "Don't do that."
One word away. One. Frigging. Word.
Had I gotten the question out, I could have held Sauron at bay, and made my move against Mount Doom. Granted, there was the remaining Evil to overcome, and we discovered a large Good army just south of Doom in the aftermath... many chances for failure even if I had outwitted Sauron at the last second, but still...
I wonder if the Dunlanders, Wild men, Paladin, and Trolls would have fought with me or have been counted against me on the mountain? Where would their strength have been tallied? Alas, I shall never know.
The Army of Saruman the White withstood the elements almost intact, far better than both the other forces (save the squirrelly white hand orcs that thankfully succumbed to the cold) and for that I am thankful, impressed, and satisfied.
We avoided subjugation to Sauron until WE submitted to it, much to his consternation, apparrently.
I am comforted in knowing how tall and strong Isengard stood. Who knew how strong the Ballista would become if we used brownies, RiceKrispy bars, cookies, and assorted sugary treats to power it!?!?!
I am Proud of my Army for vanquishing and capturing THREE hobbits, Gollum, Bombodil, Aragorn, Radagast, Gimli, and generally smashing the morale of Gondor, Rohan, and the Ents combined. We helped topple Lothlorien. We captured the RING!
28th, noon, First day of the First year of the Age of Sauron: My fight with Gra'vel has weakened me, though I shall recover. For my insolence and insubordination, Sauron has allowed me to live in Orthanc, though I cannot leave until I have personally eaten every single White Hand Orc and traitor to Sauron that helped me. I, Saruman Ringmaker, craft the Ring-of-Katsup.