"O what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive..."
—Sir Walter Scott, 1808
INQUISITOR- Ah yes... Mr.... Saruman. We have been watching you for sometime now..
Mr. Saruman- That’s Saruman the White, as you well know. I want my lawyer and my Palantir!!!!
Inquisitor- I have in front of me two files. One, which has a future and another, which does not. Which one goes to central filing is dependant upon you and your answers, so I would encourage you to be forthright and honest in this interview. Sauron is watching. (Inquisitor removes sunglasses with deliberate slowness...)
Mr. Saruman- Alright, all right. What do you want to know?
Inquisitor- Please describe your actions leading up to and during the recent reacquisition of the property of Sauron.
Mr. Saruman- You mean The War Of The Ring?
Inquisitor- If you wish to call it that, yes. Although we really consider it more of a police action.
Mr. Saruman- Obviously you weren’t there.
Inquisitor- Be that as it may, please begin.
Mr. Saruman- Very well. As with all good great tragedies, this one begins with a plan. As I sat in Orthanc I became aware, through my deception of my brother Gandalf, that the one ring had been found, and indeed was within my grasp if I acted quickly. Through the item I would at last rule all of Middle Earth, and at last find a place that would deliver Chinese food to my tower without charging an out of delivery area fee. I had many allies already, all of which Sauron thought were his alone. But with careful pressure applied to the right people, and the offer of a giant rave techno dance party were we to get the ring, my army swelled to previously unimaginable numbers. We had already converted Snaga, one of Sauron’s more higher placed red eye orcs, and several of Snaga’s men on Barad-dur. The Dunlenders were offering support in trade for sheep, and of course my man Wormtongue in Rohan was ready to go. We had high hopes of filling slots for the Wild Men of the Hills which would net us another of my brethren , one Radagast the Brown.
I also had feelers out to the Corsairs, and early on there was some discussion with a number of barrow wights and assorted undead folk. The Palantir ver. 2.3 was operating at peak efficiency, its multi colored facets blinding all who looked upon it. Finally, we had a huge number of new White Hand recruits, who, while very young, were very eager and possessing young energetic legs. Gandalf could perceive my power and was obviously very concerned at the size of my army. We even had a siege machine that would render Isengard impregnable. Sauron seemed unconcerned even as my influence spread. The stage was set... for me to fall upon my face.
Our plan was simple. Send the Dunlenders to Bree to create havoc, sweep up the road to Bree to link up with the Dunlenders and snare some hobbits. Then, find a good spot for me to hide while we sent out small patrols to catch anything that moved and either kill it or take it prisoner. I had a feeling the Nazgul would be operating independently and therefore easily ambushed and rendered impotent in the wilderness. We would pillage and sack and interrogate until the ring was ours and Sauron's forces were weak. If we didn’t get the ring, we would plant ourselves at Lothlorien early in the day, and destroy any force (especially Dark Elves) that came to sack it, depriving Sauron of the win, and retaining at least a status quo in which we still held Isengard. Oh yes, my treachery ran deep indeed. (Actually, the "ambush Evil at Lothlorien" was Phil McCraken’s idea, but I stole it along with his sheep, sister and haggis, in that order.)
We gathered at Orthanc, with the Dunlenders heading through Eriador to sweep to the Shire and Bree and capture flags and Hobbits as they appeared. I would not see these brave, bloody-legged souls again until the very end of the war, deep in the foothills of Mt. Doom. Gandalf promptly escaped my clutches, and as he slipped my grasp he gave the special one fingered salute of respect and disappeared into the hills headed to Rohan to expel my servant Wormtongue and return the horse king to his wits.
My forces and I headed for the crossroads from which we could go to the elven lands, the shire, or back toward Isengard. As we turned the corner to link up with the Dunlenders at Bree per our plan, my minions spotted Gandalf and his army moving up from Isengard behind us. I must applaud Gandalf for a truly heroic effort . At this point, it had been less than 15 minutes since the game had started, which meant he left Isengard, released Gondor and Rohan, organized his forces in record time and marched them all the way to the road. This deserves a special reward, thought I. So I ordered the attack. I felt that losing cost me nothing-we had no tokens, were in no hurry to get anywhere if we lost, and the rewards were huge if we won.
We lost. Badly. I still feel we had to take the chance. Had we won, the slowdown to Gandalf’s army could have been quite damaging and the chance for tokens was worth it. We took advantage of the time to organize our force and tally up points. Once we recovered from our early death, we hit the road to Bree again. My troops were in fine spirits. The sun was shining, and the road ahead was clear. The road behind, however, was not.
Sauron was spotted by one of my eagle eye orcs. He was some ways behind, so I felt we could lose him. I glanced at the Palantir to get a better look at him, but I forgot that objects in the Palantir are closer than they appear. We continued down the road, and he followed, gaining on us. I decided we needed to go off-road and loop back to the relative safety of Isengard. We crossed an uphill meadow and entered the bush, and finally the forest, but my younger orcs (the newly-birthed Uruk-"low") were having a hard time keeping up. The little buggers were losing their equipment, each other, and weapons were falling out of sheaths. Sauron continued to gain. Some of my troops called upon me to flee. I found I could not abandon my Uruk-low. We came out of the wood into a meadow, and I decided to make my stand. I knew we out- pointed him, but we needed to make a tag prior to him giving any orders in order to pull this off. Sauron cannily knew this as well and immediately started issuing orders to the orcs closest to him, and they had no choice but to obey. Shortly I was under his power, and was a simple pawn in his bag of tricks. My brief flirtation with power and independence was over. Now I needed to escape.
Sauron led us back to the road, and we headed toward Bree. I advised my troops (OK so maybe they were HIS troops now, but I’m a greedy little wizard) to listen to what Sauron ordered them to do; he was now the boss. As we made our way towards Bree we spotted the good army scooting off the road on the Bree side, as a very wet wight came up and advised us that Bree had fallen, and the Shire was not far behind. Armed with that information, we turned back to Isengard and his Infernal-ness sent two white hands ahead to hold Isengard with the siege machine we had left there. On the way, they would collect the Corsairs who would bolster the defenses as well.
As we walked, I considered my escape as well as Sauron’s orders. He had insisted that I speak to no hobbit or prisoners, that I stay with 10 feet of him at all times, issue no orders to any member of the evil army, and speak only with him about the game. It could be considered a mark of respect that he hamstrung me so, and I didn’t see any way out.
Then it came to me: he didn’t tell me I couldn’t sacrifice to the menace. If we were attacked by the menace I intended to sacrifice quickly and sit down with a smile, which would force his Interminable Darkness to make a choice: either stay and wait for me to rise from the dead, or go on without me, releasing me from bondage to him!!! Time being what it was , I was certain he would leave my corpse by the side of the road and go on his evil way.
We made our way to Isengard. It had not fallen, and we hoped to trap the good army there. After a short while it became apparent that Good wasn’t going the show up. His Ineffable Evilness, then made a decision to whip the backs of the white hands, and had them pick up the giant siege machine and walk it with the army to Rohan, which fell with out a whimper and to Gondor where the two great machines crashed against each other’s point sheets... and Gondor fell.
With no more need for the siege machine, it was banished back to the car from which it came, and his Absolute Depravity ordered us on to Mt.Doom via Rivendell and Lothlorien. Rivendell was long since sacked when we arrived, and at Lothlorien the lord of the Nasal Drool advised the Dark Lord that he needed most of the Evil Army to take the Fair Elven lands. Given the lateness of the day, his Eternally Painful agreed and sent all but myself and a few other key persons away, and we continued on our way. As we walked, I constantly offered my services to his Superficially Benevolent to go take care of various errands that would take me from his presence and to freedom. Alas, all he would do is reply with a wry grin that he was so "Right There." There was no way I was getting away.
We crossed onto Mount Doom, and made our way towards the saddle, listening along the way for signs of anyone else around. We found the Mouth organizing the perimeter, and made our way out to the path leading to the saddle, where we encountered a pitiful element of the good army, including the wizard Radagast. His Thorough Vileness allowed me to take her prisoner. Almost immediately following that encounter, the menace showed up with three minutes on his meananci-ness clock. My prayers were answered!! I edged closer to him as he was talking to Sauron and was about to tag him when I felt the cold claw of doom upon my shoulder. I turned to Sauron and said "C’mon, boss lemme sacrifice to him," thinking there was no way I’d let me free on the mountain this late in the day. Sauron though a moment, and said, "OK."
Looking back, it was a shrewd move on his part. My army was scattered to the winds, and he held Mt Doom in a vise. Even if I got the ring, he could get it from me. Or so he thought.
I sat my time with Radagast, and we headed toward the saddle. We found the continually-bounced Good Paladin and a little further on, three white hand orcs who had the stone of Galadriel, and gave it to me for safekeeping. The two red eyes with them took off and we headed back the way we came, only to get bounced by His Bounding Evilness who immediately took me prisoner, took the stone, and ordered me into his service again. @#$%&$ IT!!! I got all of five minutes of freedom! As we walked back into the bush, Sauron took off at a dead run again, and while I tried to follow, he quickly out distanced me till he was the magical 25 pace away, and I was free Again!!!! Hee! Haa! Hoo! I walked with Radagast back to the road, and saw a ranger bounding up to me. One lousy ranger? I could eat him in my sleep…..until he turned me around to face my old friend Gandalf and the bulk of the good army along with 2 hobbits!!!! !@#$##& IT AGAIN!!!!! Which of course freed Radagast as well. So I sat my time again, and slowly picked my way onto the base of Mount Doom. On the way, I picked up 5 white hands when suddenly I heard the cry: "GOOD IS ON THE MOUNTAIN!!!" I started up with my allies, and got halfway up when the tag was made and a freeze was called. I made a valiant Jack Barker-esque attempt to reach the top but, only Jack can pull that off. The action on top was confused- there was a lot of discussion, and a hobbit was sent down the mountain. It was Bilbo! I ordered my orcs to follow him and, I picked my way down the mountain and found Bilbo standing dead silent, Gollum in front of him, Hayes the wight sitting down, and my orcs surrounding all of them. I walked up and said, "So what’s the story here?" Hayes looked at me with a wry smile and said, " Do you want the ‘it’s the end of the day and we’re tired’ answer, or the ‘game’ answer?"
Now here’s a moral dilemma. Obviously from his answer, he had information that would give me the game. On the other hand, I am a long time game player. If you have to cheat to win a game or use information unfairly, there’s not much point in accepting the challenge of the game, regardless of any personal flexible moral issues. So I said, "Game answer."
(Ed. Note: Underhandedness is expected by this character; “Use the Info – its like having a real Palantir, dummy!”)
Hayes began to explain from the beginning how good made a run up the mountain with two hobbits loaded to the gills with tokens. They were both about to be dead when Bilbo noticed Shelob was in the combat, and he pulled out the Sting token, which whacked Shelob and stunned him for 5 minutes, and since he was on the mountain, he had to get off the mountain to serve his time, blah blah blah, more blah about hobbits or something--which was the point in the narrative where Bilbo became alive, Gollum got a free tag, asked for the ring and took off with his head start leaving my white hands and I looking on in disbelief, and Hayes giggling as he raced away! It was a straight shot up the mountain with no evil or good in the way from where we were, and our combined points would have easily defeated the Mouth of Sauron, giving us the win. You know that frozen headache feeling you head gets if you eat ice cream too fast? I still have that today.
It was perfectly played by Hayes. Gollum may be credited with getting the win, but Hayes gave the evil side the win by handling me the way he did, and it was perfect.
(Ed. Note: I knew we needed more pennies and spoons! Garr!)
A few kudos--
To Sauron/Scott who was a great leader, and got the distinction of winning in every role you can win in. He was a very benevolent slave driver and a great player.
To the whole white hand army from the kids who didn’t give up, to the vets who kept looking for me to escape and supported me and to the guys who made the portable siege machine. If we gotta lose, at least it was to the best in the form of Gandalf and Sauron.
To the Dunlenders who did their best to hook up with me throughout the day and were left with very bloody legs, no sheep and no sister. (Ed. Note: Garr!)
To Jack who tirelessly promotes this game and voluntarily gets the pictures on his website that we all enjoy so much.
To possibly one of the best groups of hobbits in recent memory, who almost pulled it off.
To the good army and Gandalf- you guys were so close I really think any of the armies could have won. You were all wonderful opponents, and Radagast handled her brief captivity very well.
To the evil army who worked together, and did everything their leaders asked of them.
To everyone--I don’t remember a game that didn’t have some sort of controversy or hurt feelings about some aspect of the game. That there wasn’t a problem is a credit to us all.
To Bill and Jeff for doing this year in and year out.
To me, because, well, I am the margarine of evil, the lite beer of evil, the diet coke of evil, the Abba of evil (Abba being the evilest of the palindromes), the master of Orthanc and the Palantir, and because I am SARUMAN!!!
Inquisitor- Yes... that is all well and good, but you obviously have not accepted Sauron as your lord and master. I am afraid we will have to go with the file that has no future. You will be chained to the 'Hello Kitty!' assembly line for the next Age until you learn your manners. On the plus side, I think you know the others in the line, Anonymous White Hand Orc #4 and Phil McCrackin the Dunlender. Guards! Take him away!!
Mr. Saruman- NOO!! NOOOOOO!!!! THE HORROR , THE HORROR!!!!! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE!!! I’LL BE GOOD!!! DON’T MAKE ME GO TO HELLO KITTY!!! I’LL.....
© David P. Anderson (a.k.a. Saruman the White), edited by James Amberson (a.k.a. Phil McCrackin the Dunlender). All Right Reserved. Used with permission.